The motorcycle trail home.

I was raised by hippie musicians.
Its true.
Its similar to being raised by wolves, but the clothing is cooler, and you get granola every morning.
My Dad was one of the few who was able to make a decent living as a professional musician.
I spent more than my share of time on tour buses, in hotels, on airplanes and in late-night jam sessions..life was an adventure.
My parents loved me dearly, and I knew it.
Shortly after my 9th birthday, my Father, after having a pretty intense conversion experience, fully gave his life to following Jesus.
There were some major transitions after this. Alot of them economic. My father spent a couple years wrestling with depression, wondering where he was going, how he could live a "normal" life and raise a family.
All through this time, Jesus was becoming his refuge.
I remember waking up early in the morning for many years after that,and hearing my Father upstairs singing to the Lord. The God of the Universe was his friend. It wasn't about religion, it was a real relationship with the One who created the universe.
While he didnt know it then, this had one of the largest impacts on me growing up. More than the conversations, rewards, lectures, the arguments...

We would experience the strangest and most serendipitous events you could imagine as a family.
We would run into the strangest people at the strangest times. And there would come a moment when my Father would share his relationship with God. Not in a preachy way, but it would always just happen. There would come a point where it was just where the conversation was going.
As time went on, I realized that the feeling in the air would change as this was about to happen.
I learned early that God would lead you. That seemingly random encounters were in fact moments of possibility where eternity was invading the earth.
I was 11.
On my 12th birthday, I heard Gods voice for the first time. It wasn't audible, but it may as well have been. It resonated every part of my being. I was standing in the front yard watching it snow, and I heard God simply say "This is for you".
It was as clear as anything I had ever heard. And there was deep love in that voice.
My parents told me that because it was snowing, our plans to go into town to go skating for my birthday had to be canceled. I heard the voice again..."At 6pm it will start to rain, and you will be able to go skating." At 6pm that evening it started to rain.

God was and is very real to me. He has been a constant friend. There have been times when He seemed very far away. There have also been times when I have experienced things that are really beyond describing with words...a tangible Power and a Love that felt like fire...enveloping the air all around me...beyond imagining.
When I was 22, I was sitting in my friends car in front of my parents house. I was having a heated argument with a friend about God. I was voicing my frustration over how it seemed like God would not reveal himself to me, and tell me why I was here. It was delivered in a pretty arrogant way really. " I didn't ask to be born..where is He?"
On the way down the driveway, something happened, and I wound up on my face...asking God for something...to show me that He was there...to tell me what He wanted from me. When I walked in the back door, the television was blaring. It said "America needs a prophet that will listen to the voice of the Lord." I walked into my room and picked up my bible...opened it up, and put my finger on the page. Above my finger it simply said " Put your finger here". Nope,not making it up. Underneath that it said " Do you believe now because you have seen? I tell you the truth...blessed is he who has not seen and yet still believes."

When I was 24 the same friend who I had been arguing with that night gave me a copy of Charles Finney's autobiography. It was a life altering book for me. There was a bit of contention in the church at that time over some of the ways that the Holy Spirit was choosing to reveal Himself, and I was hungry for answers. As I read through the events that occurred in Charles Finneys life nearly 100 years before, I was captured. I said out loud, "I want this" I want to experience you like this. To know you the way he did. To have a life with that level of impact on the earth." It became my dream.
Over the next 10 years I chased after God. What I didn't know then was my view of what chasing after God looked like was skewed. What I thought was chasing after God was really me trying to become good enough for Him to choose me for a life of impact. I secretly hoped that He would see that I was serious about it, and that maybe through relentless pursuit I could finally convince a reluctant God to bless me with a life of power.
If I can just do better, He will see...

What seemed so right at the time, was actually tragically destructive. You see what I didnt know then that I am coming to know now is that I was trying to choose something that I thought would please God, then force Him through my own intensity to give me what I was asking for.

When I was 7, my Father took me to a motorcycle shop. We were living in a huge farmhouse with another family,(i told you..hippies) and all of the kids in the neighborhood had little fat tire motorcycles. In my mind, we were just there to look. What I didn't know at seven, was that my Father had seen me standing on the edge of the field while all of the other kids were riding their motorcycles, and his heart had been stirred to action. He would not have his son excluded.
So I stood there looking at the coolest motorcycles ever..all towering over my head...and then i saw it. The most perfect thing I had ever seen. The Honda xr50. 50cc's of 7 year old yearning with a shiny red gas tank and motocross tires. No tubby tires with a lawnmower engine here, this was the big time. I was breathless. I stood quietly. I was sure that there was no way that my parents would ever buy me anything that cool. I mustered my courage and approached my Father careful to not look directly at him. "If you buy me that motorcycle, I will be good forever" I said. My mother laughed and said "You will will you?" I missed it. My Dad said "Are you sure about that?" I said "Yes. I promise" They bought me the motorcycle.
Shortly after that, I crawled out of a bathroom window while at a friends house and took off on that motorcycle after my parents had said it was time to go. I wasn't good forever.
The Lord had to wait until I was in my 30's to show me the full meaning of that event. To show me how we can try so hard to earn something that He has already determined in His heart to give us. Im still learning that lesson.

This morning I woke up at 2 am.
As I was standing in the kitchen, I became aware that my spirit was humming a song. So I stopped to listen. I heard the words "Savior please,keep saving me."
I did a google search and found the video on youtube.


I am so amazed at this life sometimes. This life that has the God of the Universe as a friend so close that He sings a song into your spirit at 2 in the morning while the world sleeps...a song that you are longing to hear more that you can know until you hear it.
I stayed awake and just sat listening. At some point I got up and walked to the white board in the kitchen and wrote these words...
"I don't want to be Finney any more. I just want to know you."
There was more, but that sums it up.
Somehow just knowing what He is really like seems like the greatest gift that anyone could ever have. Better than a life of impact. Better that an xr50 with motocross tires.
I think my dream has changed.
I have spent so much of my life working myself into places of condemnation and not feeling good enough. Wondering why God chooses others and not me. Wondering if I will ever be what God wants me to be.
How heart breaking it must be sometimes for God. To see us pleading with him...running around trying so hard...trying to please Him. Not understanding what the blood of Jesus was given for, and what it means for us. I think there are alot of us who have shiny xr50's waiting for us, and for me it looks like finally knowing that I am already chosen. That I make him smile. That he saw me standing on the edge of the field long ago, and His heart was moved to action.
And I dont have to be good forever.